Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.


Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.


Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

"Find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my help comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, oh people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:5-8

Haven't posted in ages...

... I think I may take it back up.. we'll see!

For now.. I just wanted to rant for a moment... I don't like getting to the end of the day with as long of a list of things that I didn't accomplish as things that I did. I've been to 5 classes, accompanied 2 ensembles, and worked.. walked two miles... and had great conversations with friends who I love dearly... so, I'm trying to be content with that, even though there are piles of things I have yet to get done!

"Prayer is the contact of a living soul with God. In prayer God stoops to kiss a man, to bless man, and aid man in everything that God can devise or man can need.~Prayer fills man's emptiness with God's fullness. Prayer fills Man's poverty with God's riches. Prayer puts away man's weakness with the coming of God's strength."
E.M. Bounds

Quote of my summer...

"This great God we serve will throw us in situations beyond us with no other thought than that His great heart will sustain us." Rev. Graham Cook

"In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I’ll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe…

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here"

Sandra McCracken

Tonight I am...

Happy... satisfied... content...restless....wishing I could take an eraser to my heart sometimes...thankful for the strength to be self-controlled...yet frustrated that so much of life tends to be holding back...and frustrated that the holding back of that which needs to be held back often results in holding back that which would be better to express....frustrated in not knowing what way is the "best" way to go...frustrated that that which I thought was the "best" ended up failing... ... ...fascinated by anthropology...loving the opportunities to be a window to shine a beam of Christ's love into people's lives...wishing for more of those opportunities...loving friends, new and old, and those in between...loving little dogs, and big ones too...loving the mountains and the country-side...thankful for precious memories, and hoping God helps me let go of others...excited about the future... not wanting to get any older...wanting to be single and live with Ashley and her dog for the next ten years...wishing I could play guitar; or somehow carry a piano in the back of my car...wondering if it really is better to say too much than never say what needs to be said (John Mayer)... and wondering if I should be the one to say it...wishing I could open up more...yet comfortable with not opening up any more... and not really knowing how to open up any more...not wanting to leave Ashley and Catherine...excited to go to Florida and be with Mel and my grandparents...and thinking maybe it's time to go to bed... :-)

*~The Divine Romance~*

" The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied"
~Phil Wickham~

Well, I've been reminded of the amazing story of the heavenly romance in progress throughout all of time by my friend Tim Bundy, who is writing a paper on it, and excited shares all of the facts with my in the midst of his studies in the coffee shop that I'm working in.
I've heard some say that they hate the "Jesus is my boyfriend" fad that seems to especially be going on throughout the single Christian teenage/young woman group these days. And in some ways, I can see their point. It can come across demeaning to limit the Son of the Holy God to the level the lovey-dovey companion a single girl wishes she has. Jesus Christ's role in our lives is so much more vast than that. He is our Savior, Redeemer, Warrior, Priest, Intercessor... the list could go on for a while! And to refer to your relationship with Christ as a replacement of a boyfriend some what implies that once you have a human boyfriend, the romance with Jesus goes down the drain.

The reality of it, is that the "husband" imagery in the Bible is really much deeper than Jesus being your boyfriend/husband replacement. The imagery gave a picture to the Israelites of the relationship God was creating and desiring for, and how He was pursuing his people. For me, it is a little intimidating to think of personally being married to God in heaven. But, the beautiful thing, is that it isn't individually, but as a body. We as the Body of Christ, His Bride, are being perfected to be presented to Him.

I did some research on all the Hebrew/Jewish wedding tradition, just to see what all God was referring to when He used the wedding imagery to communicate to the Israelites how He was pursuing His bride. (Go Cultural Anthropology with Penland!! ;-) ) [and hopefully my sources are reliable]

~ The Hebrew word for marriage: "kiddushin" means "to make holy" or "sanctify"
~ The betrothal was the first step in pursuit, and was typically initiated by the bridegroom.
~ The bridegroom would negotiate with the bride's father on the price to be paid, and once it was paid, they were considered husband and wife... but that's just the beginning! (The Cross: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
~ At this point, the bride was considered set apart, consecrated, sanctified
~ To symbolize the commitment to the covenant relationship, the groom would drink wine from a cup poured by the father, and then offer it to the bride. If she also drank, she was accepting and committing. (The Last Supper and Communion: 1 Corinthians 11:25)
~ The bridegroom then left to return to his father’s house where he would prepare living accommodations for he and his bride. (John 14:1-4)
~The bride was left to faithfully wait, and prepare herself for marriage.
~When the bridegroom would return (usually a year later), he would normally return at night, announced by a shout, with his groomsmen. (John 3:28-30; 1 Thessalonians 4:16)
~Although the bride knew he was returning, she did not know specifically when. ~ The bride is the last to join the wedding party. And when she does, she circles the groom seven times (number of completion) to symbolize that he is the center of her world. [probably wasn't a tradition back in Bible times, but it's still a cool symbol.]

There are probably more pieces that can be pulled out, and much more scripture to back it up... but I have to go to work for now... maybe I will continue later :o)

To quickly refer back to the top, this song by Phil Wickham totally gets me every time I hear it. I know that the Divine Romance involves way more than just me and God, it's really about the Church, not me as an individual alone. But, knowing that I'm a part of it is incredible. To imagine the bride circling her bridegroom... he is the center of her world...His beauty is all that she sees... He has arrived in His glory...She is finally in His presence, and completely satisfied...all because He paid for her with His blood. How incredible to be a part of that! And it is so exciting to know that I will, hopefully, someday have a marriage relationship and experience shadowy example of that love.

"Pride is the vulture which may exult in sailing a little above the tree tops, because its eye is fixed on the earth and the foul garbage with which it desires to glut itself, while it becomes foul itself and loathsome as its food. Humility is the eagle soaring into the upper sky, yet never judging itself to have risen high, because its eye is fixed upon the distant sun."
Robert L. Dabney Practical Philosophy

"Don't imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call "humble" nowadays: he won't be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who's always telling you that of course he's nobody. Probably all you'll think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent, chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him, it will be because you feel a bit envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He won't be thinking about himself at all. There I must stop. If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realize that one is proud. And a biggish step too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you're conceited, it probably means you are very conceited indeed."

C. S. Lewis Christian Behavior

"We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Isaiah 53:6

"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart."
Jars of Clay

"You know what the most beautiful part of the story of grace is to me? We can't mess it up again. In the garden we had a perfect relationship with God, and we screwed it up. But, this time when our groom came to buy us back, he made sure he didn't lose us. It can't be undone! Nothing makes it void- because it was not left in our hands, but His instead." Lori Pittman

It is when I sit back in silence and reflect that I realize how far I fall short, and how desperately I need God's grace. I lack trust in the Holy, Powerful, All-knowing God. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I fly too high, and like Icarus I collide.... it takes all I am to believe, in the mercy that covers me. Praise God for that mercy!! "He poured out his life (Isaiah 53:12)" so that I could be covered in mercy. Yet, so often, I forget what that costs. I am still amidst the battle between grace and pride. May He take my world apart, my beauty and tears, pain and selfishness, weakness, the tears... this sin soaked heart... cleanse my pride... and build it back up into a vessel that will glorify Him.

Tonight, I'm trying to be joyful and content in the solitude and loneliness. After all, you never truly appreciate something or someone unless you know fully what it's like to be without it/them first.
And... I do have the company of two cuddly dogs! ;-)

The last 24 hours

babies... sand and slides... boxes... good byes...Best friends... Java chip icecream... silly speaker phone conversations... three girls piled in one bed.... one ends up on the floor.... 14 gatrillion alarms before i wake up... $4 for a gallon of gas... class, class, and more class... perfect prayers...1 gatrillion steps to climb to get to my room...projects, exams, more exams... packages... memories... tears... naps... work work and more work... psalm 131...friends... study buddies... epiphanies....phone convos... study, study, study....


This song makes me think of those around me that are unwilling to take hold of the hand of God...

" So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love"
Shawn Mcdonald

.... Off to study some more!! and then... sleep!!! (Praise the Lord oh my soul!)

I'm so bad about this, but I often find that other's artistic words are so appropriate to how I'm feeling or what I'm going through, that I may as well use their's rather than try and do it myself. :-)


"Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

"Hold Me Jesus"
~Rich Mullins

I was talking to a friend last night about surrender, and how we often know in our minds and hearts what the best thing may be, but we just can't bring ourselves to surrender. We have to go through it and experience the joy and the pain that comes along in order to really understand. I'm sure that if we just trusted God instead of doing things our own way, we would still end up understanding, but I'm bad at that in some areas of life.

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
 Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
 Mold me and make me after thy will,
 while I am waiting, yielded and still. 

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
 Hold o'er my being absolute sway.
 Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see
 Christ only, always, living in me! 

"Have Thine Own Way, Lord."
~Adelaide Potter

" Who could fill the emptiness inside
Who would ease the pain in my broken heart
Who would come in and abide
Promise never to depart
Without You

And the sun doesn't shine
And my world stops spinnin' round
Without You
Tell me where else could I ever find
The peace that floods this heart of mine
Without You

I can't live without You
I don't want to try to
Live one more moment without You"

"Without you"
~Bid Daddy Weave

My precious roommate and bosom friend ("Anne of Green Gables") wrote this song this year, it is similar to how I feel right now. Home, my family, friends, and church are always a source of joy and a reminder of where I came from and where I'm headed. Sometimes, being away at college and trying to "figure out life" I lose focus, get distracted, and forget to listen to my heart. So, I'm glad I get to go home this weekend, even if it is for less than 24 hours. :-)

"Been on my own for far too long,
Too busy singin' to my own song
Chasin' a shadow here and there,
Choosing to brush aside my worries and my cares.

But, I am headed home, my friend,
I just want to go home.
I'm covered with the dust of earth,
I am needing your kind words.
I just want to go home.

Moving to the beat of random drums,
Not questioning the source of where my wants came from,
Through it all away on passing chance,
Finding myself sold on the first glance.

I just want to go home...
Home to the source of this love,
Home to the source of my peace,
Home to the source of everlasting joy,
Home to the source of all I need.."

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause
like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."
Psalm 37:3-7a

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5

realization for the day...

The Lord's priority is our eternal well-being, which may often throw our earthly well-being temporarily for a loop.

"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games.
To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A Saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.""
-Brennan Manning from The Ragamuffin Gospel

I will life my eyes to my Maker

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can�t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

~Bebo Norman

Well, I am spending the first half of my summer up on a mountain, studying people (Anthropology and Developmental Psych). I think it is so fascinating, and glad to have a break from music for a while. Living here on the mountain means that I am stripped of all the people who have ever defined my life. (in person... thank the Lord for cell phones!) The Lord has stripped my current living situation and heart of all that has brought me joy and companionship for the last year. I have no doubt that the Lord has done this for a reason... to make me seek after Him with all of my heart. The scary part of letting go of things is that I don't know if I will get them back. Some friends are getting married, some may not come back to school, some may never come back into my life. But, what I'm finding is that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing, and if I continue to hold on to those that the Lord is taking other direction, I will miss out on this great opportunity to be taken out into the desert and wooed by my Savior.. to be molded and shaped into the woman He wants be to be for the task He has laid out ahead of me, whatever that may be. "An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and soul." 1 Corinthians 7:34

This song by Sanctus Real says it all:

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly~

"Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol...
He will receive blessing from the Lord
and vindication from God his Savior.
Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek your face, O God of Jacob."
Lift up your heads, O you gates;
be lifted up, you ancient doors,
That the King of glory may come in.
Who is this King of glory?
The Lord strong and mighty
the Lord mighty in battle."
from Psalm 24

"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this.
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn
and the justice of your cause like the noon day sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways.
....If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
...For the Lord loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever.
Wait for the Lord..."
from Psalm 37

Off to work :-)